amazing how expectations can change in so fleeting a period. not very long ago i really wanted a Distinction at BCL (because that was the done thing) and meet some career goals by the by. but i’m beginning to find untold comfort in feckless invisibility, in sliming down the back of my chair like the carcass of a burst pimple, glinting meekly in the nascent spring sun…
i mean there’s honestly very little to live for when even middlingly-below-average ceases to be attainable, where remorse is your best attribute. reminding myself that my family, my parents, are the reason i have to keep healthy and present, even if in so many respects i don’t deserve their (bemused but ultimately, inexplicably, unconditional) love, their confidently faithful texts, their fervent prayers on the back of nothing but my enigmatic midnight SOSes.
the thing is, villainy isn’t even a good look on me. i’m too nerdy to be smooth, too insecure to be unrepentant, too Christian (yes yes yes, even now) to be blasé. so i’m trapped between all worlds, unsuccessfully attempting to be someone i shouldn’t want to be and someone i’m not even sure i have to be. folly summarises me fitly.
but if there’s a silver lining (and lining it is) it is my realisation that i want to be a good lawyer too much. i need to want to be a decent person more. i need to crave God’s audience more. these things are simple but should be A LOT more important to me