don’t know when i’ll be back again

last day in singapore for about six months.

some background: my laptop inexplicably died a few days back so i’m back on the iMac. chanced upon some of those rare pieces of writing you undertake with complete abandon and brimful inspiration, comforted by the privacy of your computer. some of it was and remains wide-eyed and telling

(…)That perhaps, if I’d worked harder at the threats I could still be enjoying the fruits that came so naturally to us that other couples might labour in vain to grow. This is a point of pride, insofar as pride is an appropriate response to good fortune and circumstance – it’s satisfying on a level, validates the two and a half years even as it amplifies the cost of breaking up. Yet no, even that is softened. I now believe that there can be and usually are multiple contenders for the position of soulmate. Not one, which must be ‘captured’ to avoid unending failure. People shift in and out of your life. Many are visibly attractive but regrettably of the sort you couldn’t see yourself holding a proper conversation with. Others are nice and personable – to a fault, even – but do not instill any romantic desire in you. A rare few – rare, yes, but multiple – tickle both the intellectual and the romantic senses in you, often simultaneously. How can you tell? There is a rough way. That palpitating feeling that is heedless of the amount of time you’ve spent together or spend together regularly; a curious desire to spend ages talking together, an inexplicable lack of enthusiasm for the usual date ideas like movies (any time not spent gazing in her face, not hearing the adorable lilt in her voice, is time you’ll never get back; any time just sitting dully together in a darkened theatre is time you could be spending trying to impress her in that awkward bumbling way you know). The excitement of the coincidental brush, the thrill that feels almost too erotic to be decent but could not otherwise be described as unwholesome in any way, compelling you to be on your best behavior (it’s not hypocritical if you don’t have complete volition).(…)

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