i ain’t got the time

Conducted my last thing yesterday! It’s an army thing and hence Shouldn’t Matter but I guess you only really know it does when you reach Sentosa and see storm clouds paint the skies with swatches of grey and check the weather website to see that the whole island’s under lightning risk and you find yourself praying fervently when you think no one’s looking.

The clouds (and lightning risk) lift and the cohesion (an amazing race/Running Man variant) plays out just fine – as fine as it gets, because Commander specifically told me to mix up the groups, so we had hapless NSFs paired with surly regulars from other departments who evidently couldn’t be bothered to “make new friends”. One group had two very hungry regulars and Owyang, a storeman that weighs in at about 160kg.

“Look, guys,” one of the regulars told the whole group right after we’d dispatched all of them to their first stations. “Since we’ve Owyang it’s clear we’re not going to win. Let’s just go to McDonalds for breakfast first.”

They ended in last position, with -13 points.

I get coerced into lanning after that (I’m horrible and WHY DO THE ZOMBIES ALWAYS GO FOR ME IT’S LIKE THE AI CAN SMELL NOOB). On the way there, my storeman Darren tells me about the relief teaching stint he did at his old JC before he enlisted.

“$70 a day, and you don’t always get classes everyday! Tons of photocopying and admin work though.”

Me: “Oh oh I’m totally going to do primary schools! I love little boys.” (a bit dreamy)

The stares give way to practiced indulgent smiles.

Darren: “It’s gonna be quite tiring though! You’d need to keep asking them to keep quiet.”

Me: “Dude, that’s not going to be a problem at all. I’m great with kids. I’ll just pump them. Ten for every spelling mistake. ‘EH F*** LA MARY, YOU DOWAN HAND IN ON TIME RIGHT? LEOPARD CRAWL AND HAND IN YOUR HOMEWORK NOW! C*** C*** B** U CRY SOMEMORE. GUNIANG AH'”

As I said all these, it dawned on me that I was definitely on to something. Something bigger than relief teaching. I could start the new premier institute of education, founded solely around a religious belief in negative reinforcement and the uniquely edifying effect of pushups. Hard Knocks Primary School (HKPS), staffed primarily by ex-army regulars and gym rats, where every student eventually knows his shit or develops huge chest and core muscles trying. Top students will sit for the PSLE and hopefully get places in secondary schools. The rest will be given a three-week course in elementary Hokkien and be drafted for early regular service with the SAF.

…or alternatively I need urgent rehabilitation


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