76

(and only 39.5 of those are working days!)

Like a science experiment I’m genuinely curious to see how I react to the impending new stimulus, because I don’t think I can ever trust whatever I’m feeling now. I can’t believe whatever my heart/head’s telling me now while it’s still contracted by law to serve the nation’s defence needs. Freedom’s vital for truth; the only magnet that can tell north is a free-hanging one. But at least I’ve grown enough to know that! That love was never symptomised by a lack of self-control but rather by its mastery, no matter what the billboard hits on my iPod Touch have to say on the topic. It’s bullshit to expect or want someone to love you in spite of themselves, because it’s really a conscious surrender of every fibre of your being, and anything less can only be marked by startling transience (and no, wistfulness or nostalgia don’t offset that in any meaningful way).

There’s this fairly fundamental thing in Christianity about how we need to need God as the only thing that matters, for no other reason than that He genuinely is that thing. As such, as a created being it’s perfectly fine to need and love God with no alternative or exception. But for two human beings? I don’t actually think it’s possible to love someone you depend on for your mental/physical/emotional wellbeing to an inordinate extent. Self-preservation should have as little to do with love as possible, even though it manages to disguise itself as something more altruistic all too often. On the other hand, if you realise that there are alternatives and comforts beyond him/her (preferably God, probably other girls/guys, hopefully not Dota 2 or sport cup-stacking) and still are ready and willing to commit to something that doesn’t necessarily offer unadulterated or even commensurate happiness, I think that’s when there’s promise.

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