A few days ago, in the turmoil of preparing for case studies, Douglas and I concluded that God was an inferior good:
“when your income goes down demand for him [sic] goes up”
which is partly why in these times (‘that try men’s souls’) I find myself turning to God more than ever. Even if He is a placebo, isn’t He the best placebo that anyone could ask for? He not only cushions your inferiority but even glorifies it as strength – “the meek shall inherit the earth”; “the foolish shall shame the wise”. It’s in the fundamental God-world polarity that we can draw comfort – to know that not only does a worldly ineptitude not translate into spiritual ineptitude, but that the two things are often fundamentally opposed.
To know that your personality flaws (selfishness, unsociability, laziness) are natural but can be cured; to know that miracles are very real things; to move and speak in a spirit greater than your own; to know that bad things only serve to steel you for the good, and good things are sustainable and eternal; to know that popular opinion means less than nothing.
I know these things by head but I don’t know them by heart, which is kinda like the case studies, where I went in with a head swirling with theory and wrote rubbish for 2 hours 15 min. It occurs to me that I had less faith now than I had an afternoon in Sec 3, where I wrote out this brief prayer asking God to make me tall (being scarcely over 5 feet at 15). I’m not very tall but much taller than before (definitely I don’t fret about finding girls who’re shorter than me, lolz); those who say that my growth was an inevitable consequence of puberty are missing the point. (also, it was a testament to God’s precision that he made me tall without making me any less skinny)
I think it’ll take me more failures, more trials to truly understand what having faith entails – but until then, the all too blind belief in a benevolent God is more than enough to get me by.