In this postmodernist day and age it is safe to assume that using anything for its actual purpose is an option only utilised by the uncreative and old-fashioned – it would be folly to assume that the gym is exempt from such a rule. A recent survey has shown that only 3% of people who go to gyms actually use the gym. This 3% was of course swiftly excommunicated by the authorities that manage this blog, but for your reading pleasure we have compiled a list of the best non-gym things you can do at a gym.
1. Alpha Male
Stroll around the gym shooting condescending looks at the other users. Target the skinniest one and proceed to take weights slightly heavier than his, and do the same exercises he does whilst standing (or sitting, as the case may be) right beside him. Make manly grunting noises. Everytime he changes exercise or weights, make sure you’re always lifting weights slightly heavier than his. Stare in his general direction with piercing gazes that could desiccate slugs.
We all know that gyms are always lacking:- there’s always not enough benches, machines or weights. However, burly men are always in large supply. Target the one lifting the heaviest weights. Stand a short distance from him lifting your own Pussy Weights (PW) and run your eyes down his body purposefully, smacking your lips and letting out occasional moans. When you’ve gotten his attention, put down your PW, linger your eyes on his body and make remarks like “Ooh, I’d like to use that machine” or “I’d sure like to play with your dumbbell“.
Wearing only your favourite elephant boxers, curl up on your favourite bench and sleep, using your favourite barbell as a bolster. After a while, move your hands up and down the barbell and make smoochy noises.
4. Do your laundry
This one is self-explanatory – you have wet clothes and the aircon of the gym makes it the perfect place to get them dry in the fastest time possible. There are barbells for a reason. Hang your underwear over the barbells. While waiting for them to dry, you may want to grab a seat and peruse a copy of Dickens.
5. Fine dining
Always wanted one of those conveyor-belt sushi buffet but couldn’t afford it? Grab some sushi from NTUC and place them on a treadmill. Wear a kimono and beam contentedly as the sushi moves down the conveyor belt toward you. Scream “TABEMASU!!!” to yourself and shove that sushi down your throat. It just don’t taste the same if it don’t come from a conveyor belt.