All references to existing Facebook comments are purely coincidental. I rebuke merely to educate.
I’ve been seeing many many wall posts like the following of late: Guy A wishes B a happy birthday and claims to have “forgotten” Guy B’s birthday. Forgetfulness implies a sort of prior knowledge that one stored away presumably with the intention of recalling it to mind again. Let’s get real, though: who the hell actually remembers birthdays? When Guy A claimed that he “totally forgot”, what he was really trying to say was “Hey, Guy B, I had no clue that it was your birthday until I stumbled upon your name in the list of undifferentiated people turning a year older today, while in fact searching for pictures of that chio girl I saw in the canteen this afternoon for visual delectation. Your wall is populated with many well wishes and posting on it is the easiest and most painless way to social assimilation, given my current circumstances. Please accept me as a friend – nay, an acquaintance! Please comment on this post to validate our relationship instead of leaving me hanging in a lingering unrequited gesture smacking of awkwardness, or even (dare I hope?) post on my wall so the question of my status as a socially functional being will be put to rest once and for all!!! I can’t remember the last time someone other than Farmville (insofar as Farmville is an entity capable of making conscious communicative decisions) posted something on my wall, so I hope you receive and accept the inherent plea for social rescue embedded in my innocuous wish. Have a great week ahead.”
But the latter being a mouthful, I suppose the Guys A of the world can only hope to send nebulous smoke signals with frustrating repetition, and hope that at least one person responds, instantly filling any e-loneliness with a comforting formation of benign pixels. Hopes are not high. With the average Facebook user receiving in excess of 2,423,955,435 birthday wishes, replies are few and far between (some adverse selection may even be salient. Only Cool people get replies; the Uncool people who really need their pixelated tokenistic validation are the selfsame ones who get deprived time after time). Still, as the saying goes, there’s a Facebook friend born every minute. By dint of sheer effort, that one wallpost reply (or even a Like, but let’s stick to the confines of realism for now) might yet be shooting your way, any time soon.