There’s a decided sense of finality lingering in the air at school, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do anything of note over the “holidays”. This is the time to try something different and perplexing and I understand it, though I don’t feel it. How does one balance the precariousness of delving into something unexplored with the staidness required to sustain existing commitments? It always feels as if it’s one or the other, these days. When James and John threw down their nets to follow Jesus they didn’t have the added burden of having to tend to the nets as well as to the souls of men. (I had a bad joke about de-livering fish here but I think it was a testament to my judiciousness and propriety that I removed it)
On another note I have an unfortunately prodigious knack for offending people. In some cases the offense is hardly uncalled for and truly “poor” on my part; in most others the offense comes without warning or provocation on my part. It seems as if everything is zero-sum these days, there isn’t a better way to shatter someone else’s happiness than to pursue your own. So since I’m feeling more than usually happy at present moment it only reasons that a group of people are seething away. Now this is more than mildly surprising. One of the key aims in my life had been to go through it without offending more people than I could help. This may explain why I’m so impersonal with so many people – getting personal is the best way to hurt – but it also makes it all the more bewildering why I should still be capable of causing distress to others. The bulk of the problem must thus lie with them, not me, so I’m not going to waste any time concerning myself with the insecurities of others.