My life is in limbo, I want to get my spiritual life sorted out but there’s never “enough time”. I push it to the back of my head but I know that there’s really nothing else at the front. I’m just escaping, because it takes so much just to follow Christ wholeheartedly, so much. I want to live like a heathen and not know if there is life after death –
but yes, for God’s sake, there IS life after death and there is a God who loves and who disciplines. Everything is real and nothing is real. There’s an extra set of standards for me and I’m not quite sure how to account for it. And I’m not even upholding it to the best of my ability. Forget about evangelising, I can’t even seem to keep friends without seething inwardly at their utter incompetence to maintain the relationship in a way perfectly agreeable with me.
So yes, I am a Christian and I am having difficulties. There is no shame in admitting this. We have peaks and we have troughs and this is a trough built upon a trough built upon a trough. I am getting nothing right – many more misses than hits, and even the hits are actually borderline misses, when you step closer to examine. I never was good at archery – never tried, either.