break the caul

I need a reprieve from life. I’m trying to sleep by 11:30 every night (even at the cost of neglecting *some* work) but it’s not working, I still feel like dying every morning. And it’ll only get worse. I need peace! I need open communication! I need a steady stream of idle chatter because it beats the staccato of finely-worded nothings.

Take for instance a bully.

All his life he’s been a bully. He’s been picking on people who’re fat and people who’re stupid and people who’re friendless, in a passive way, because he probably can’t push them over and make them tumble on their butts and cry (especially if they belong in the first group). He’d incite people against them, accentuate their physical characteristics that seem odd in one way or another.

He doesn’t have an inferiority complex. He doesn’t have a trauma-induced mean streak.

He’s just bored. He’s bored of life and he’s bored of being nice, because being nice only ever produces one effect: reciprocation, mostly on a superficial level involving little paper cards and wide plastic smiles. He wants to make the world know that it is scum on the inside (which is the side that really matters). He wants to make the world know that some prejudices will never be overcome, for reasons less noble than most would expect. People don’t like differences in others.

He doesn’t have many friends, but he gets by with those he has. Maybe they’re a little scared of him and they distance themselves from him, but he has people to hang out with and he can take the distance, because he doesn’t look lonely, unlike the people he bullies.

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