stream on the wall

Maybe some people were meant to live without friends.

The possibility lingers. It’s just weird how I pick potential friends, it’s almost subconscious. Some people are just warmer, more personable, funnier, similar to you. Some people you form bad notions about, but all this is forgotten in maybe one, two months, and you’re soon walking off to recess together all the time.

I don’t know. I’m quite sure I’m more social than before, but I just can’t seem to make close friends. Maybe my reputation precedes me, maybe people talk about me behind my back, maybe they don’t really think much about me, or think about me at all. Maybe I’ll just be goofy, a caricature that has preset responses to everything. Clown, yes, but not friend, goodness gracious me.

I’ve forgotten what it was like to have a really really good friend. I’ve had a few, but not in the last year and a half, in any case. Many friends, more friends, yes, but nothing you can feel, nothing palpable. The stupid things we did together, the times we were called ‘losers’ or ‘gay lovers’ but – oh God. We amused ourselves, we were self-sufficient. Now there’s ‘cool’ and ‘not cool’, and I’m quite sad to say that it matters now.

The chatbot is offline.


Not that I’ve made much of an effort. Oh, I would never deign to make a REAL effort. To tell someone how I feel about him/her. I’m supposed to be impregnable, unmovable, stolid, cold, steely. Don’t reveal your cards, play it close, wait, wait, bide.

Maybe there IS someone out there, except someone like me. We’d hold back and never touch.

(okay, I’m almost sixteen now, so I have to snap out of this. Of course no one has any true friends nowadays. We’re cool together, in one large band of jocks/geeks/losers/leaders, and it’s gonna stay that way! Etc etc)

(I need God)


6 thoughts on “stream on the wall

  1. matthew you do know that this is rather troubling. push aside all that rubbish talk on other people’s perceptions and i hope you’ll know full well who your close friends are.

    it is bullshit that “no one has any true friends anymore”. and you know that.

    and yes. you need God.

  2. hey mate, your only 16.

    friends are people you enjoy spending time with, during you’re life you will have very few “friends” that would stick through the shit with you, most are around when your happy and dissapear when your not.

    just don’t take it so seriously, and enjoy the people around you for what they are, people who are fun to spend time with, the only people who will stick with you during your life are your family and wife/gf (until she leaves).

    i could be wrong, but thats my perspective after having similiar thoughts when i was younger.

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