I’ve been sick and tired of this gender ostracism, and I think it’s time males got a fair share of the pie!
I mean, WHY in the world would there be a Miss World-Universe beauty pageant when there isn’t a Mr World-Universe?
I have thus proposed my idea for the annual search for Mr World-Universe! As with the female version, contestants would be expected to excel in all aspects: Beauty (15% of total score), Beauty With Swimsuit (50%), Brains (5%), Kindness (20%) and Metrosexuality (20%)! As you can see, everyone is expected to put in their 110% effort! (The better contestants would, at this point, smile politely. It doesn’t matter if you have a good sense of humour, you just need an Agreeable Sense Of Humour.)
Contestants from all over the world will be selected by way of national pageants: Mr Singapore-Universe, Mr Montenegro-Universe etc. They would all gather on an island in the sun somewhere in Indonesia (we’re still searching for that island), where Mr World-Universe 2007 will happen!
All contestants will drive up the stage in a Big Masculine SUV, which should be in the colours of their country. Contestants should be wearing Designer Tight Fitting Singlets. They will be assessed on Beauty, and losers will be prematurely eliminated.
Round 1: Answer The Fiendishly Difficult Question
Candidates will march up one by one to our respected judges. They will pick one of the following categories, and answer a question from there: Geography, English Literature, History, Politics, Life Sciences, or Harry Potter Trivia. They will be graded, and, no, losers will NOT be eliminated, they may just be horribly scandalised and traumatised for the rest of their lives.
Round 2: One Night In Jakarta
This is the main entrée, so to speak. The remaining contestants will be spending the night in a random hotel in Jakarta, where they will be secretly filmed, a la reality TV. There, their metrosexuality will be rated (a bonus ten marks is awarded for more than twenty skincare bottles in the bathroom by checkout). Also, all contestants will be rooming with somebody else, and as they quarrel and/or make merry with each other, their Kindness marks are getting added or deducted!
Round 3: The “Old Lady Crossing A Road” Round
The contestants will be directed to make their own ways back to the island in the sun. Along the way, old ladies on roadsides will be planted along the roads of Jakarta. If any of the contestants decide to go help one of them, they get full marks in Kindness! To ensure easy identification of said old ladies, they will all be sporting white polo tees saying “Old Lady Crossing A Road” on the back.
Round 4: Swimsuit And Dance Round
We all know how important it is to have Mr World-Universe smart and kind and all that, but we know that it accounts for nothing if he doesn’t look good in a two-piece bikini. When everyone has made their way back to the island in the sun, the next day will be the Swimsuit And Dance Round! The contestants will be randomly sorted into groups of five, and they will come out sporting titillating bikinis and doing dances of their choices. They will then be individually assessed on “Beauty With Swimsuit”, the final and most important score on their scoresheets.
Closing Ceremony: Tears, Heartbreaks, And In-Your-Face Triumphs
The scores have been tallied, the winners decided on. All the contestants return to the beach at night holding large, unwieldy torches. The losers have their torches cruelly smothered, before being handed the Consolation Prizes: a length of rope and a bucket. Three people are left standing with torches. The top three are announced in order, and everybody tearfully sing their own national anthems simultaneously in their own tongues, with that bringing the curtain down on
See? We can give sexual equality a chance if we TRY!