my IQ is higher than my PSLE score!

The PSLE results are out!

I have taken a disinterested interest (whatever that means) in PSLE results for three years, interested in the gender, ethnicity, and school of the top students, hoping to find socio-economic trends in the newer generation of Singapore.

Apparently, some St Hilda’s Malay female student got 294 for her PSLE, highest in seventeen years, blah blah.

Girl In Question, Being Interviewed, in Loud Pompous Voice: I have started reading since the age of two, and […]

Whatever, man.

A neighborhood school student got 287, apparently, and sits in third place. The highest in OUR year was 285. At the rate this is going, we’ll be having a lowest score of like 290 in twenty years’ time.

Nanyang will seethe on. When was the last time we got a top scorer?

But the purpose of this post was really to discuss my new plans for a sitcom.

You see, it isn’t that hard to create a sitcom.

The keys to an interesting sitcom are items that are always popular, rarely politically correct. I shall thus plan out my latest sitcom while pretending I know what I’m talking about.

1. The gay guy
Face it. Everyone likes a gay guy. In fact, they’re even more popular than gay girls. The gay protagonist in this case is Martin.

2. A nice pun in the title to go along with said gay guy
Puns are crucial in sitcom titles, because people rarely remember what the hell your sitcom’s all about, but if they can have something in the title to remark on, they can pretend they still remember. The title of my sitcom is Straight Dealings, and everyone likes making puns on ‘straight’ when they talk about gays, because it’s the simplest pun to make and not too hard to understand.

3. Assortment of colleagues with assorted sexualities
Nothing’s funny anymore, but pro-gays and homophobes alike enjoy laughs at the expense of people with varied sexualities. In the office, there’ll be this straight girl called Rachel who tries to woo Martin, and this bi-curious guy called Alfonsus who can’t decide whether to woo Rachel or Martin. Throw in a couple of janitors, pointy-haired bosses and fart jokes, and we get a sitcom.

4. The politician
Next to sex is politics. Borat had both, and that’s why it was popular. We’ll get Martin an eccentric politician cousin named Mr Fendrick. He’ll be a nice tool for subtly voicing any controversial political statements we may want to make. Also, in Season 7 he rallies for gay rights, which will be a popular topic and involve Martin greatly.

5. The eccentric aunt
Every sitcom lead has funny relatives of some sort who bother them and make funny remarks. Martin, in this sitcom, has a hundred-year-old aunt named Aunt Boris who has hearing problems.

Martin: Aunt Boris, would you like some tea?
Aunt Boris: What? You’d like to drink my pee?
[laughtrack]

6. The laughtrack
‘Nuff said. Use sparingly.

In fact, the laughtrack’s the only thing that saves the sitcom. It’s a weird mob mentality thing: oh my God, the TV’s laughing, so I MUST find it funny! Hee hee hee!

Oh, and you know what do PSLE results and sitcoms have in common?

They either want to make you laugh out loud, or die a little inside.

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