monkey

Okay, I officially look like a little monk. Then again, I COULD have been a rectangle-head, which is infinitely worse. In any case, not like I can get yet another cut. While I have nothing much to lose in terms of dignity, the same is true for my HAIR, which complicates matters much. Whatever, I’ll let it grow out. Meanwhile, every Monday I’ll laugh at the prefects and make sarcastic comments like, “MY HAIR VERY LONG RIGHT?? BOOK ME QUICK, BOOK ME”, because I’ve never qualified to do that before (it’s mostly been just hiding behind someone and/or trying to look like I have short hair). I imagine it to be a very pleasurable process.

the official motivation post (cue applause)

Physics CCT was okay. All the questions were answerable, at any rate, though I really only started studying last night 10.30pm after everything else. I did both bonus questions, which is always a good sign. Thank God, really, that the two CCTs immediately after Army Daze should be reasonably easy, because I feel something sinking right now, and it feels like my GPA.

Motivation motivation, concentration concentation! My CCA life has been anything but glorious, and to stand a chance at any scholarship means putting my all in my studies, and being focussed and everything. If I want something hard enough (though this probably applies only to non-living things, and even then, inanimate ones), it will SHOW.

I must also work hard for Chinese O Levels (as part of my 2008 Overachieving Plan), so I think I might just pick up a Chinese book at the library, like, next week.

yourtube

Okay, Tarzan is so last decade and all, but I still think it has one of the best soundtracks.

Maybe it’s because I watched it when I was young. There’s something about being young, it blows everything out of proportion, everything is larger-than-life. And, for some reason, you keep such irrational admiration for trivial things for life. I don’t even remember the storyline anymore, but the songs, it’s like I hear random bars in my head as they play on Youtube. I was little again, with a mushroom-head full of hair, with a tattered red-and-white T-shirt, and I was in front of the TV – perhaps too close, but no one notices.

I will watch the movie again.

stream on the wall

Maybe some people were meant to live without friends.

The possibility lingers. It’s just weird how I pick potential friends, it’s almost subconscious. Some people are just warmer, more personable, funnier, similar to you. Some people you form bad notions about, but all this is forgotten in maybe one, two months, and you’re soon walking off to recess together all the time.

I don’t know. I’m quite sure I’m more social than before, but I just can’t seem to make close friends. Maybe my reputation precedes me, maybe people talk about me behind my back, maybe they don’t really think much about me, or think about me at all. Maybe I’ll just be goofy, a caricature that has preset responses to everything. Clown, yes, but not friend, goodness gracious me.

I’ve forgotten what it was like to have a really really good friend. I’ve had a few, but not in the last year and a half, in any case. Many friends, more friends, yes, but nothing you can feel, nothing palpable. The stupid things we did together, the times we were called ‘losers’ or ‘gay lovers’ but – oh God. We amused ourselves, we were self-sufficient. Now there’s ‘cool’ and ‘not cool’, and I’m quite sad to say that it matters now.

The chatbot is offline.

ii

Not that I’ve made much of an effort. Oh, I would never deign to make a REAL effort. To tell someone how I feel about him/her. I’m supposed to be impregnable, unmovable, stolid, cold, steely. Don’t reveal your cards, play it close, wait, wait, bide.

Maybe there IS someone out there, except someone like me. We’d hold back and never touch.

(okay, I’m almost sixteen now, so I have to snap out of this. Of course no one has any true friends nowadays. We’re cool together, in one large band of jocks/geeks/losers/leaders, and it’s gonna stay that way! Etc etc)

(I need God)

haircuts and impending deadlines

Then again, what’s the difference? A haircut is exactly like an impending deadline! *insert witty analogy here*

My second haircut in a week. I now have even less hair than the Facebook photo of Army Daze that Greg unearthed (such is the rabidness of some of my fans. I apologise if they have been leaving “wheres math’ews haircut plz post foto plz” tags on your blog, because I CAN’T HELP IT). Except this one is actually quite cool. Who knows, I may have seen the last of my floppy, ne’er-pass-hair-check hair! Bald is the new hair!

It looks weird, but I can get used to it. I just realised that I have a very good “Prisoner’s Glare”, and goodness knows how many icky situations that could get me out of! Also, apparently Clean-Shaven Prisoner is all the rage these days. Time for me to try some devious pickup lines.

“Whoo yeah, lady… your tummy’s like as round as my head… but it’s okay, I do pregnant chicks as well. Your house or – hey, what’re you doing with that beer! – *splash*”-

——-

On to impending deadlines and Notable Dates. (The year moves on swiftly, and when I next wake up it shall probably be in the school hall, sitting for HMT O Levels. There shall be five minutes left to the end of the paper, which would be totally blank. I like to scare myself this way, because then I’ll almost never get disappointed.)

Tuesday
Physics CCT (preparation: 0%)
Lit presentation (progress: 95%)
Daniel’s birthday (how often do I publicise birthdays? Like NEVER, so you better thank me, Daniel, with a car or something)
Ben and Jerry’s Free Cone Day
Zuo wen (have no idea what’s the topic because I was absent)

Wednesday

Thursday
Labour Day
Cage outing with the class? (or performance-task-completing?)

Friday
Chinese group PT due (progress: 0%)

Monday
History group PT due (progress: 0%)

General Assignments Which Loom But Which I Don’t Know The Deadline For, Because I’m Scarily Unmotivated That Way
Biography letter (draft 3)
AQ (technically that’s due today but I just found out)

We have a problem. I think I’ll have to play the Army Daze card to get myself some extensions. The haircut will definitely help lend some credibility.

if you plan to fail, you fail to – uh

Okay, will fail Chem tomorrow. Everything isn’t as bad if you plan for it.

alabaster and all bluster

The JC Course Options Briefing yesterday morn had nothing we hadn’t known already, but still it was a wake-up call, and a timely one at that. My studies have been good for the first term, but they haven’t been spectacular, or scholarship-worthy for that matter. I guess by now I’ve sketched out a non-science path for myself, so my options are limited, but the competition is by no means much easier. There are still excellent humanities students around, in my class, in the Humanities RAs, and perhaps more in RGS as well.

It’s the Rafflesian spirit, whether we like it or not – and some people do like it. The competitive spirit, the desire to not just be one of the top, but to be right up there, to not just pursue interests, but also conquer them. And I do have this desire, yet it is nothing special. What’s special is the drive to carry out this desire. In this I am lacking. I don’t doubt for a moment I could have been right up there as well. Perhaps if I kept at something for four years, I might have become more than I am today. Yet maybe it is too late to say this, and I shall have to work with what little I have.

Yet I remain confused. What do I really want out of my life? What am I supposed to be working hard for? And while this question remains unanswered I will lose sight of the goal, in favour of more fleeting joys.

“but you can call me…”

1. Army Daze over
2. Thanks 4K people, you guys made the last show that much energised, you wouldn’t believe how quiet the first two shows were in comparison
3. Thanks everyone else as well
4. More friends couldn’t come because I dilly-dallied over the tickets
5. My church friends will see my flat top and laugh
6. Production is frickin’ over
7. I didn’t mess up much
8. I was slutty
9. I received red peppers
10. I need sleep

getting to my head

First performance down!

I am still so inexperienced, so raw at this thing – I haven’t even done a single Dramafeste! But things will pick up. I’m quite sure tomorrow will bring two better performances. Half the class will be coming down tomorrow evening, so good for us, because if there’re people who’d laugh at the stupidest things that’s us.

I didn’t screw up spectacularly – because I don’t have enough lines to do that, and in any case I’m really thankful for that – and in any case the audience wasn’t exactly unresponsive (though we did expect more) – and yadda yadda, more reflection to follow after everything. This role has been challenging, because it’s so easy to act a transexual slut and pull the laughs, but it’s always nice to expand your repertoire.

Okay, whatever. Sleep.

pout

Two more days till the end of production! I can’t wait.

Meanwhile I’ll sleep early. This time tomorrow we’ll be busy packing up the props for yet another performance the following day.

From Sunday morning onwards CCA will take a back seat, and studies will come right in front! I can’t wait. If Hullett needs me for Dramafeste I would join up, though. And then there’re all the writing competitions I want to join, and the novel that’s only beginning to take some semblance of form. I haven’t started writing much of it, because the plot is everything, and if I just let my inspiration take me somewhere there’ll be lots of plot holes and loose ends to tie up at the end, which I hate. It’s also really fun to plan fantastical worlds and stories as well, perhaps even more fun than writing them down.