double entendre? what’s that?

Behold… the Enormous Ho Puncher!

That’s the name of my new enormous hole puncher. It punches holes in enormous stacks of papers, and can also be used to punch enormous and unruly ‘ho’s squarely in the face to discipline them.

It is the perfect tool for students and pimps. If you’re both, wow-ee! Have you got a deal! Take that, French Revolution Notes Ho!

(I tried to draw a hippy sign on the right, but I screwed up, so I shaded the circle in and made it a head instead. In case you wanted to ask.)

catharsis

mypaper ran a report on how RI boys are elitist. Not like many people read mypaper anyway, but the article could have been… timelier. Say, published AFTER we get people to donate for the ORA donation card, not BEFORE.

(at least other schools use the guise of a Food/Funfair to raise funds! We don’t even bother!

Still, not like anyone would want to go to an RI food/funfair. I mean, what games? “Spot A Non-Myopic And Good-Looking RI Boy From The Crowd And Walk Away With A Solar-Powered Car”? “Guess What Subject Combination This Boy Is Taking And Win A Sweet Plus”?)

We’re studying Comedy for Lit this year, it’s been perfectly jolly so far. My favourite comedy is still South Park, though I haven’t watched it in awhile. Season 12 starts in February or March! I can’t wait!!!!

Comedy is so much better than Tragedy, yet so much harder. (having a printout of my Definitive Guide To Being Funny with you helps, though)

You know how you listen to music, and suddenly the lyrics just jump out at you, and you actually start listening to the song lyrics for once? Catharsis.

Hernwei and I were giving R (who didn’t want his real name displayed for fear of embarrassment, especially since it has happened so often in previous posts.) a tutorial in Generally Being More Socially Adept. I am good in thus – I should totally charge people money to counsel them.

Me: The first thing you should learn is to defend against all the people who insult you. Okay, what would you say if, uh, I say, “R, you suck man. Look at your hair, it’s so ugly! I mean, if I were you I would totally kill myself! Whatever, whatever!”
R: … I don’t know what to say. It sounds so true!

Oh, man. I should totally pay people to counsel them.

this post was dedicated to my internets

Pixies! Pixies!

If you have no idea what pixies is all about, you probably aren’t in my class. Or hang around me really often after drugging me with sugar or Milo or Tabasco or various illicit hallucinogenic drugs.

My Internets! It is finally works! Let’s fighting love! All your base! Wooty wooty.

slowly beaten by doom

R.I.P. Heath Ledger.

impending deaf

Do you know how freaky it is when you’re trying to study Physics while standing in a crowded MRT train, and suddenly this guy in long black sleeves (and generally wearing everything else a guy in long black sleeves would wear. They are ONE in dress code.) pulls out his iPod and listens to it, and the next thing you know, you can hear his music (incidentally, some crappy death metal or blah) perfectly clearly?

(…yes. The whole paragraph was one enormous rhetorical question. It isn’t even grammatical, but it sounds like how I would talk, like I’m constantly interrupting myself.)

YOU WILL GO DEAF. AND I NEED TO STUDY.

I don’t like Physics this year. I need an entertaining teacher to teach me or I’ll go mad and start writing limericks and haikus and my invented poetry forms and story ideas for my new novel. It sucks to be a literary person, because you can distract yourself with a piece of foolscap.

Octopus’ Garden is my current favourite Beatles’ song.

We would be
so happy, you and me

Amazing, the wonders a simple rhyme scheme can do.

and, in case I missed out anyone, those too

Jon Lian’s inviting me and a few other classmates to his church’s Movie Night this Saturday.

Rich: Don’t want lah! There’ll be people I don’t know!
Me: Duh! Rich, don’t you want to expand your social… dot? HAHAHA! Geddit, a social DOT! I mean, keep working at it until your social circle finally has a radius! Hahahaha! Oh my gosh, hilarious. [wipes tears from eye]

My wit is totally overrated. Not so, my sheer retardedness. I later assured the aggrieved Rich that it was nothing personal. It never is. It’s just the intricate wiring of my brain, to spout out random vaguely-relevant stuff I think are funny, in the forlorn hope of pandering to my twisted friends. And anyway, Rich was asking for it. I only insult two kinds of people, those who deserve it and, uh, and those who don’t.

totally something I would write

Our first group assignment for English is to present an oral biography on some famous personality.

Ms Kuang: Yes, for Jane Austen, there has been a movie written of her -
Me: “The Life And Lies of Jane Austen”?

carrot juice isn’t really murder, but do let’s pretend it IS!

I sprained my wrist in PE yesterday, having been spitefully tripped by Rich, who had always been jealous of my sheer superiority. I collapsed and writhed on the ground dramatically, which made the others think that I was COMPLETELY acting and leave me alone. I mean, honestly! I may act injured or insulted 90% of the time, laughing meanly at you after I’ve pulled one over you, but that doesn’t mean you should mistrust me in the OTHER 10%! Gee.

Double RE was yet again spent with various organisations talking to us, wearisome deadpan tones and powerpoint presentations in tow. Most of them actually had meaningful messages to carry out, and the other belonged to a vegetarian organisation.

I have a lot to say against vegetarians (because consuming meat has made me horribly shortsighted and bigoted), but I shan’t say anything today, because it doesn’t have anything to do with “private parts”, and is thus not blogworthy. I noticed how people had tended to quote that line about waterpolo players to me in school, which leads me to think that anything vaguely related to private parts must be funny.

Oh, and I was just talking to Jarrell about my vision for a new breed of selective eaters – the meatarians. I mean, wouldn’t it be awesome? People would then specially cater food for meatarians at all those posh functions!

“Uh, hi, I’m sorry, but I’m meatarian, and I can’t eat any of these stuff here. So…”

“Oh, yes! Over there is the food specially catered for meatarians! Instead of the cabbage dish, there is only fried chicken, and Sichuan beef in place of the tofu dish! I am SO sorry!”

“Oh, it’s okay. I’ve gotten used to it already, though sometimes… [cue sob] I wonder what veggies taste like… oh, why must my religion deny me vegetable!”

“Aw, don’t be sad! I’ll get them to take another dish in, in replacement for the rice dish that you guys are missing out on. Hello there? Can I order, uh, Deluxe Mutton for the meatarian table over there?”

Totally awesome? Totally awesome.

Oh, and there’d be mock veg as well.

“Wow, you’re eating cabbage! I thought you were meatarian!”

“Nah, this is mock veg. It’s actually fried chicken skin dyed green with fibres hand-painted on. I wish I could taste real cabbage… I can’t help but think that this is merely an inferior substitution for the real McCoy!”

“Oh, uh, sure. Cabbage is much better – oh my God, can you give me a bite of that pleeeease?”

I’m definitely going meatan. Uh, totally better than eating private parts.

what what what??

My weekend was destined to be homework-free. Yep, that’s gonna be my excuse in case anyone asks. If all else fails, there’s always the “MY INTERNET ISN’T WORKING AND THIS GIVES ME AN EXCUSE TO BE EXTREMELY CRABBY AND VULGAR, YOU FAT LUMP OF DICKWAD” defence. It always works, though not like I’ve actually tried it for myself.

On Friday afternoon there was a Raffles Players training! (I’ve been shortlisted for the annual production! Praise the Lord! … but not yet.) It was a pretty bizarre training, but not like I’m not used to it, since CAP Drama. Then they watched a staging of Army Daze, but I had to rush off home and HCI for HUNGRY. (you know, I still tend to think no place is too far from my home? I call it the Orchard Resident Syndrome.) I had to take a taxi to HCI, in peak hour and in the wake of the new fare hikes. My wallet’s still reeling.

[and hey the fried dumplings at S11 are pretty good! Ten for $5. I wanted to take away half of them for my family. I have no idea what happened next.]

I thought Hungry would be largely funny, with rare tragic parts, but it was pretty much the opposite. Comic relief came from Jon Lian’s famed brother, who played some enigmatic god figure. Drama CAPpers were everywhere, but I doubt any would have remembered me. I was totally fade-into-carpet-ish.

Cheryl deserted us for her friends thereafter, and the rest of us friendless creatures (Geoff, Greg, Stacy) departed for Newton for a really expensive supper. I would post funny stuff, but I’ve forgotten all of them, and I don’t have photos to accompany anything. Greg also writes funny quotes in his phone. It’s been working great for me so far.

Me [matter-of-fact]: Hey, don’t drink Pepsi! It kills your sperm.
Stacy: …what?

Somewhen or other my EZ-Link card came into the picture. Its 100% Induce Laughter Rate remains intact.

[I GOT MY IC TODAY OMG IT LOOKS NORMAL. YAY. AND NEXT YEAR I'LL GET A NEW EZ LINK CARD! My sin! It is being forgiven!!!!!!!!!!!!]

I’m going to leave it at “And then we left for home”, because I have a revulsion for details.
…don’t look at me like that. My Internet isn’t working.

*

Saturday was Brain’s / Hernwei’s birthday celebration. Their birthdays are like Wednesday or something. You know how guy gatherings get predictable after awhile? Play pool at Meridien before going for dinner in a restaurant at PS or otherwise.

We went to Seoul Garden – it is horribly expensive at $28, which is why I don’t really go there much. I eat more than people expect of me, but I doubt I’m capable of anything above $20. (I don’t even like 60% of seafood! I am King of Being Cheaply Satiable!)

Evidently Rich has been reading my Coolness guide!

-bling that looked a mixture of some pagan cross and the Hwachong logo
-rubber wristband
-a Winnie the Pooh shirt
-over that, an unbuttoned checkered shirt
-jeans too short

The pool place at Marina Centre was strictly NC16 – “After birthday only” – so we separated soon after.

This year, when I turn sixteen, I’ll probably have a party, or gathering of some sort. I am in desperate need of expensive presents!

[not that that should discourage you. My motto in life has always been, "All presents are equal! (except the expensive ones)"]

*

You know, everything sounds funny once you add an “S” at the back of it? IT IS HILARIOUS.

I also happen to be in the team that’s planning waterpolo CIP. So, uh, in case you see our projects “More Items, More Lucks!” and “Little Blind Swimmers Have Funs!” in the newspapers or out on the streets of Bishan, that’s us.

At this juncture, is it morally justifiable for me to be damned proud of myself?

*

I’m having a problem with my outer self.

It’s like, I used to be really shy and all, so I tried to open up and be vocal.

Yet, now, everytime I try to be vocal, it comes out as fart instead.

AND their brains have dropped to beneath their legs

I haven’t had Internet or TV or a tidy house for six days now, but school will carry on. Indeed, I am so lucky that moving house has come at a time when I’m not completely swamped by academic and CCA commitments (though, indeed, what CCA commitments?).

Today was pretty interesting. I was sitting on the stack of chairs by the window (my new Emo Seat. It’s not as awesome/tall as the one last year, but it’ll do.) when I heard screams. It was slightly odd, since my class doesn’t really scream, they just get pissed and make gay banter and make up like every ten minutes.

Burger has a Sec One stalker! Then we’re all like, “Huh? Which school? RGS??” but, nah, said stalker hailed from Raffles Institution. He’d sent Burger several SMSes, and was all, “I have been checking up on you. You’re in judo right? I am also going to try to get into judo too.”-ish. For us Sec Fours to be thoroughly grossed out by a Sec One was a really humbling experience; I promise it will never happen again.
–

We had a Lit RA welcome party for the new Sec Threes on Tuesday. I think there’s a homosexual (or more) within, can’t be sure. Definitely extremely effeminate, though. Must write it down in my black Moleskin notebook! (assuming I had a black Moleskin notebook that all super-sleuths have)
–

I’m going to have to spend Community Day with Waterpolo! Why can’t we go with our CLASSES instead of our CCAs??? Grah. I can’t be perfectly sure, but I think the current plan is to go to selected/select girls’ schools and canvass for money. Right.

I can’t pretend I am surprised – they are waterpolo players after all. Where their souls used to be, there’s now an extra private part in its place.