the proverbial annual introspective post, 2007

2007 has been widely eventful.

Though, really, I don’t remember much of it. (other than CAP and and Lit Sem and Literally Literary – and honestly, I don’t even remember much of CAP anymore. Is my 2007 Highlight Of The Year to be traumatising?? Meh!) Yet I’ve grown 10cm in the past year, so I’m guessing that 2007 was really cool.)

school-wise

Some say that Sec 3 is the most eventful year of the four, as you take on (limited) seniority in the school and still not face the pressure of Chinese O’ Levels! It was pretty eventful, getting used to ten subjects and all that. Class-wise, everything was quite awesome. I’d thought that nothing would be better than 2P’06, but 3K was pretty cool. Sure, every class has its share of retarded oddballs, but you get used to them sooner or later, and it’s always easy once you start treating them like pieces of furniture.

No, I am NOT referring to myself when I say “retarded oddballs”.

CCA-wise

I’ll be honest. I suck at waterpolo, and I hate it. I do not know how I managed to want to join it in the first place, and I foresee no future in this sport, which is why I don’t try anymore. I like it as a sport, but I am not a jock, and I just don’t click with most of my teammates. We have absolutely nothing in common, and that is why I won’t spend much time in a CCA that has nothing left to offer me.

I’m still in the Rafflesian Times exco (I think) and it’s been pretty cool so far (other than the times when we actually have to do work). It’s so fulfilling to trick the juniors into doing all the dirty work and making them think their work is important!

hair-wise

Up to the start of this year, my hair closely resembled a bowl cut, and while I’ve survived 2007 without regularly relying on any hair gel or wax, yet my hair has seen a variety of amusing poofy styles, especially in the mornings. With infrequent haircuts, who needs Gatsby?

Yet I actually got a haircut today. It looks pretty good, as short hair goes.

spiritual-wise

I haven’t turned water into wine yet, but all I have is an inkling more about God and stuff. And I have definitely been changed slightly, becoming a better person or something. Yes, class, I COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. Don’t push it.

Seriously, though,

2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

~Ecclesiastes 1:2-3

It is so true, and when the Bible gets all cynical, you can probably believe it. It’s really easy to be caught up in “big stuff”, like friends and enemies and girls, but in the end, what can you take to Heaven/Hell? Not much, apparently. I guess this is the first step towards becoming a better Christian: realising that not much matters, and focusing instead on the things that do.

literary-wise

This sounds weird, but, after CAP, I’m starting to enjoy writing prose less, and writing non-fiction more. I mean, I feel at home when I’m blogging, but I tend to try much too hard in prose, and become emo and stuff. I’m still pretty much in love with Lit at the moment, though – just not the skirt-wearing variety.

“Lit is for nerds lor. Every day read book.” said my waterpolo junior, Ryan, during the Indonesia camp. I can still remember it offhand because it was so ludicrous at the time, and such a typically jock attitude.

Well, Ryan, you can go fug yourself.
–

And that concludes my year, I suppose. Ironic that this is probably the first sane post of the year, which is why I shall be uploading photos of bunnies now.

Sane has no place here, and I totally want a bunny!

hey hey you you! I don’t like your -

So yesterday, the class decided to have another outing at Dhoby Ghaut. We were all of five people – Jarrell, Sean, Shanzhi, Junyong, myself – which wasn’t so much of a gathering, and pretty much an odd number for pool.

I am expert at Distracting People When They Are Hitting Incredibly Easy Shots, making up for my inexperience in all other things pool-related. Junyong would have a really easy shot, a straight path to the pocket, and I’ll be on the other side, squealing, “Meep! Meep! Pixies! Let’s play pixies!” and hovering my palms ominously over said pocket. Junyong would shoot, and MISS.

At Plaza Sing -
Jarrell: I bet the President shops here every day!
Me: No lah! I bet he has, like, a Plaza Nathan inside the Istana, then he’ll be like, “Oh, today I feel like some McNathan’s!” Or – “Oh, let’s have some KenNathan’s Fried Chicken!”

Me: Argh!!! My hair is so long now, after like a month of, uh, not hair-cutting.
Junyong: OMG – Matthew, did you just say ‘not hair-cutting’?
Me: :O

Meh. We went to Takashimaya after that (at Junyong’s subliminal yet constant prompting) and he left us soon after we arrived.

Junyong *reads SMS*: I’m going to Kino for awhile.
Me and Sean: Oh, okay! Let’s go along!
Junyong: NO!

The sneaky asshole. He meets and leaves us periodically, saying “Hi” each time before dashing off someplace else. If more follow in Junyong’s footsteps, perhaps this time next year class spirit will be declared passé.

Daniel Tay arrives from home, and we go to eat at the Hongkong cha chan teng (is that how you say it?) which was pretty damned expensive for the cost, but still nice and almost filling.

Shanzhi: I’m joining Lion Dance in JC. Who else wants to join me?
Junyong: Shanzhi, did you know that the Lion Dance coach will most probably give instructions in CHINESE??
Shanzhi: … Crap.

Shanzhi is failing math and Chinese. No wonder he was picked to be the student figurehead of Raffles.

And we split afterwards at the MRT station, and there ends the tale of the December holidays of 2007.

I seriously hope not, though. Anyone care to go out tomorrow?

(Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium!!!!! It’s about toys! How could you not watch it!)

skinny genes

PSL meeting today – the last before school starts. At the start, the prefects were all, “All those with improper attire, please leave the room now.” And I had wanted to wear my funky pink ankle socks but decided to wear the white ones instead, and thusly wasn’t sent home. So I was pretty happy.

And then promptly regretted my not wearing pink ankle socks – the meeting was really boring, and ended at 1.45pm when it was slated to end at noon.

Random person standing in front: So firstly, we have the first aid plan -
Mrs Maas: Yes, about the first aid plan, I have this little booklet… *ten minutes later* Okay, Comm IC, please carry on.
RPSIF: Uh, yeah. So basically, the plan is to assign PSLs to every gate -
Mrs Maas: Yes, about that, I have contacted the teachers in charge…
*ten minutes later*
RPSIF: Yeah, so the third point is that we aim to -
Mrs Maas: Oh, one more thing…
PSLs: *glance at others in commiserating look*

Gosh. All these should have been ironed out between the committees and Mrs Maas BEFORE the briefing – any public speaker knows that it’s a faux pas to start discussing stuff with your team on stage.

We were so bored, Daniel graffitised on my hand. I didn’t mind.

There’s a dragon and other stuff. It was much better defined, except that it washed off in the rain as I was walking from Orchard MRT.

And so I went home to bake fudge brownies using the brownie mix. Mixes are totally convenient, and there’re little sachets and packets of extra stuff in them, just like instant noodles!

All ready!

Packet of calories! You know you want to rip this open and lick the fudge right off!

It looks like Nutella, except that it’s real fudge!

My brownie mix attempts to get skin cancer from half an hour of sunbathing.

It turned out okay, considering I substituted vegetable oil for groundnut oil. Pretty okay. It tasted pretty nutty, but I think that’s just the mix.

And thus, I packed up and got to Greg’s picnic one hour late. I’m getting pretty predictable. We slowly all arrived – Greg Stacy Robyn Geoffrey Joy Lorro Jerome Deb Cheryl. Like omg, Cheryl has a suitor from RI who called her.

Greg: I’ll answer. [picks up] Hello? This is Peter. Cheryl’s, uh, in the bathroom right now. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Bye.
*everyone laughs*
Greg: Gosh, that’s so mean, Cheryl. You just ditched him.
Me: Oh, that’s okay. It’s just someone from RI.
Cheryl: Yeah! High five!

We should totally create a Band of Merry Rafflesian Rebels who camp outside our General Offices in hobo clothes all day and protest for change in really vague terms, while blatantly getting ignored. It’d be like being a Singaporean opposition party!

Oh, and she told me that Jarret Huang and Mrs Smith hate me. I had no idea they knew me! (Also, not like I’ll want to be best mates with Jarret Huang any time soon, so I’m completely comfortable with this state of mutual disgust.)

Cheryl: You aren’t a typical Rafflesian guy.
Me: Why, thank you!

(Except that I shouldn’t be saying all these, because the Sec Ones are impressionable and will read my blog and will be filled with anti-school ideals. Guys, remember: it’s cool to be Rafflesian! In Raffles, we understand that being a freak is a way of life that we cannot change, and we embrace such diversity of freakish superpowers! We don’t bite, unless you’re dumb.)

But, digression aside, we couldn’t finish the food, and started feeding scraps to the fish and turtles.

Stacy: Oh, can I throw some? *takes a whole piece of cake and throws it at an unsuspecting turtle*

It was pretty cool until Greg threw Pringles down. I think the black swans died because of overzealous people like us. (or, theorised Greg, because of the Su Slux Slan of white swans!)

Oh, and why is it so hard to believe that I’m actually fat!

So we finally packed up and I ditched them for home.

aw, don’t have a cow

PSL meeting at eight to twelve again. For this, being a PSL sucks. We got to test out the orientation camp though, which was pretty cool. I vaguely recall some events from our own orientation camp ‘05 – I wonder how much of that they’ve actually ripped off.

Me: Oh yeah, you know the skanky cow dance?
Geoff: Uh huh.
Me: There’s a skanky cow song to go along with it! It goes like: [in sexy tone] Moo moo moo, moo moo moo! Oh, moo moo? Yeah, moo moo moo!
Geoff: …
Me: Oh, so they start milking her udders during the refrain, right? Then -
Geoff: What’s WRONG with you?!

Oh, cripes, I totally love the skanky cow dance.

(And you know GV Vivo? When I went to watch I Am Legend with my class, I bought the popcorn combo and got a free cow piggy bank!

Hmm, wanna go out tonight?

I can’t do much, but I can wiggle my butt if you give me corresponding shoves!

Unfortunately, I will never ever marry a cow, for I love beef too much for that, and it’s probably illegal to cook your wife into steak. Or something.)

But anyway we finally went home, and I went to the firm that gave me a part-time job to collect my second paycheck. It’s not much, but then again I didn’t really do much as well, and it’s always good to have extra dosh. And then I stopped by Tanglin Mall to get some baking stuff for tomorrow, and wanted to have a chicken wing from one of those fancy shmancy delicatessens, but they were sold out, so I went to the food court and had beef ball noodles instead.

DEFINITELY no cow bride.

it’s not ez to be me

Oh gosh, it’s not funny.

I have not found a single person who has seen my Ez-Link card photo and NOT GOTTEN AMUSED.

I mean, seriously.

I got it all the way in Sec One, and it still draws laughter till today.

ESPECIALLY today.

It’s like, Stacy/Robyn/Paula recently saw it on Christmas Eve, and yesterday Shang Xuan stole my wallet and saw it, and he was gaping in amusement. “Mooty, why are you looking like that in the picture? I borrow for awhile!” and he goes off with my constantly-molested Ez-link card and shows it to Andrew Tam.

It is totally not funny. I didn’t look like that in P6.

I was BORN LIKE THAT.

hey hey you you!

There was a leadership camp thing going on in school today, which all PSLs had to attend. Leaders are cool; they just point at random people and shout, “Go do this! Go do that!”

I arrived TEN minutes early, which proves that my lateness disease is regressing! Woohoo! (but, nah, I think I just miscalculated the time)

There were all manners of leadership-related activities and inspirational talks – it was pretty good while it lasted, but I can’t remember anything now. I think it was something about the Rafflesian Spirit. Aren’t they all. I’ve always been of the opinion that the Rafflesian Spirit is just some cheap rip-off of the Holy Spirit. I mean, “fire of the Rafflesian Spirit burning in your belly”? Sounds like the Virgin Mary, much?

Conan’s homophobic, and he’s also gay. I had no idea.

Oh, then, went to grab a bite at Yakun with Junyong, Sean and Jarrell.

Jarrell: Haha, Borat doesn’t look British at all!
Junyong: Borat’s not really British. He’s a Jew.
Me: Hahaha! Jews suck! *looks around shiftily*
Jarrell: You know, someday someone’s gonna beat you up.

Hey, controversy sells! It’s like a convenient substitution for wit.

Then we saw an RGS girl, which conveniently happened to Junyong’s friend, at the cakery. In awkward situations, there has to be a random extra who rubs it in and invites full-blown embarrassing situations. I took that burden.

Me: Hey, Junyong, let’s go meet your “family”! Hahaha!
Junyong: Okay lah, let’s go! *drags me to the cakery*
Me: Whoa, no thanks… it’s okay, dude! I don’t even know her!
Junyong: She knows who you are! She reads your blog, and she saw you when your skirt dropped!
Me: … what?

She looked like a typical RGS performing arts person. They all look the same. And we made small talk and I scampered away.
–

I haven’t been on Friendster in ages, but it’s still nice to see who’s been viewing your profile, because occasionally you get people like a particular “Stefi Ooi”. Haha! She hasn’t got any friends! I am NOT SURPRISED. Ten-year-olds shouldn’t be getting Friendsters. Sex maniacs may actually add them to write testimonials, and we all know how traumatizing that could be.

dare you prove me wrong?!

PAPbot 4.1 says:
deb requests for you to bring along a cute guy friend
or rather, she requests me to do so
but I delegate the role to you.

matthew says:
I don’t have cute guy friends!
I’m from RI

the definitive guide to being funny

It’s really easy to be funny. Amaze your friends! Astound your enemies! Conquer the world! with this five-minute read.

1. Wit Is Overrated
The first thing about being funny is recognising the importance of wit, and the ease of getting which. Wit is all about expressing different or ironic opinions, or common opinions in a different light. As you can see, you’re actually being REWARDED for being an oddball! So, the next time you’re talking with your friend (perhaps a female friend you’re itching to make an impression on), you can try showing off your sheer difference.

Kelly: That new kid in class is so racist! I can’t stand him!
You: If chickens were racist, would they have a different burp?
Kelly: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

2. Talk About Sex Every Two Sentences
Face it, sex sells even more than your mother and Paris Hilton (though, meh, who said they had to be mutually exclusive?). Part of being funny is telling your friend, “Hey, I know all about sex and I’m not afraid to say so!” While relating to sex every single sentence may put your friends off, having such references every alternate sentence would definitely put you in the good books of the average school jock.

Derp, the basketball captain: And then, the teacher was like, hey, wow! And then, dude! Like, serious?
You: Oh man, that teacher is full of crap! I bet he has orgies every single day! I’ve never seen him do any decent teaching this whole year! He probably subscribes to porn! He sucks! Cocks!
Derp: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

3. Sarcasm 101
Don’t you listen to those sophisticated people who have a different idea of sarcasm – sarcasm is ALL about voicing out the opposite of what you feel in a jarring, arrogant way, while emphasizing random words or syllables! Sarcasm should not be confused with irony – irony is the inferior version of sarcasm that isn’t as direct, or effective. The next time your teacher asks you a question, make sure you give her hell in the form of Sarcasm.

Mrs. Pukinson: David Bronzemeadows! What are you doing??
You: Oh, MAM, I am TOTAlly not SLEEPING on the taBLE and totaLLY ignoRING YOUR LESson! I am SO SOrry!
The class: Hahahaha! So funny!
Mrs. Pukinson: Oh, Christ. I thought I was made for this job, but I’ve never thought of it this way. Damn it.

4. If You Can Make A Pop Culture Reference, Make It
It’s not called being funny if you don’t reference any popular people or objects. Common references could be metaphors or similes, but you could go for the odd alliteration or two. Save them for the class bimbo.

Eleanor: Wow, the sky is so blue!
You: Yeah, they’re as blue as that dumb doddering ducklike Dakota Blue Richards!
Eleanor: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

5. Flog Yourself, You’re Just A Whore With No Soul (not to be confused with BDSM, but basically the same concept)
You’ve mastered the Four Divine Rules of humour, but some people are not given to laugh easily, so some brute force is required. You must make them laugh, by relentlessly poking fun at yourself! People love senseless and inexplicable discrimination as long as it’s not happening to them, so feed them again and again! Go for race, height, age and gender – they work. Especially race.

Jack: Hi, weird Asian kid.
You *in highly-pronounced Asian accent*: Oh, gosh! I no see you! I’m so short! I almost as tall as your hip! Asians is short! Look at my slitty eyes! I no see properly! My eyes so slitty! Asians everything also small! Even penis! We Asians penis small! We Asians everything so small, so slitty! Oh, look, cat! *catches cat and strokes it* Yay! Now I need go home, tell Mama I already caught our dinner for this week!
Jack: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

6. Combine The Five Rules, And You’ll Be A Riot
No explanation needed.

Rachel: Hi Bobby! Did you hear that Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant?
You *in highly-pronounced Asian accent*: Oh, NO, I haVEN’T HEARD aBOUT that, no I toTALLY HAven’t, seRIOUSly! I mean, if a tree is felled in the forest and no one hears it, does that mean that more people have sex? I think even David Beckham could get pregnant because he has Golden Balls, unlike us Asians! We Asians not even Bronze Balls! In fact we so shitty, we even don’t have rubber balls!
Rachel: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

7. Don’t Overdo It Or You Look Like A Retard
There are limits to everything. You can’t be TOO funny, because being funny is, after all, a formula, and you don’t want to ruin it all by being so funny and confusing your friends.

Fabian: Dude, Zac Efron is so cool!
You *in highly-pronounced Asian accent*: Yeah, yeah, of course Zac very cool! Zac is American, unlike us Asian! Us Asian here small, there small, everything also small! Our eyes, sooooooo small! Cannot see nothing! See, our body, sooooooo small! We cannot do anything! Only American cool! American have big penis! Asian have small penis! Asian EVERYTHING small! See, the Asian everything is small! The American everything also big! Like, I go television see American, I am go “Wow! That American soooooo big! Us Asian soooooo small!” And then look at our face! Sooooo ugly! American face soooooo nice -
Fabian: Dude. That’s not funny. I’m half-Asian.

Conclusion
Being funny is way easier than most people think, but just don’t be too funny for yourself!

You: Hehehe… Asian everything also small… hehehe… David Beckham… hehehe… chicken burp… HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA!!!!!!! Oh dear… Jamie Lynn Spears…. HAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!! *collapses and dies*

because bunnies don’t tell lies and they also come from the moon

At Tatwai’s Christmas party

Me: We have six people! Let’s play Asshole Taitee!
Joshua: But there’re parents! We can’t say stuff like Asshole and Prostitute!
Me: Oh… then play Bunny Taitee! It’s the same, except the Asshole becomes the Bunny!
Joshua: Okay.
Me: Oh, then the Bunny has to hop around and shout out their cards to everyone, okay! HAHA! *everyone stares at me with derision*
*cards are dealt*
Tatwai’s sister *in high-pitched pre-pubescent voice*: Uh, so does the Bunny still have to hop around and shout out their cards?
Me: HAHAHHA!

I am so good at conning little kids. I should make it my profession.

my foot and the NEL train needs to meet

My presents were almost all clothing of some sort.

Thanks to everyone who gave me presents, and seven years of famine upon those who didn’t!

(Everything sounds cool if it’s Biblical, even if it makes no sense at all or randomly taken out of context. HE SPILLED HIS SEMEN ON THE GROUND! LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! HATE YOUR PARENTS! etc etc. I have no idea whether to be amused or highly freaked out by the Bible, at times.)

Christmas outing with friends

I spent Christmas morning with my mom and sister, because we tried to change the jeans Mom got me for a size larger, but there weren’t any, so I’ll probably just have to get a new pair like in two months’ time.

Yay!

Around four, Jarrell asked me to meet at Dhoby Ghaut MRT because they wanted to play pool before the movie. We met, but the others were stuck at Harbourfront MRT because the NEL had broken down.

On Christmas Day.

We tried to take the NEL the other direction to meet them at Harbourfront, but we didn’t think it was wise.

I made some racist comment upon seeing the crowd. I can’t remember what exactly.

“Slight delay”, my ass.

23 minutes for both trains! HIGH SCORE! (and the other train isn’t planning to arrive at all)

So we met Sean and we took a taxi to Vivocity, meeting up with the rest of them. Ten people came, which wasn’t that bad a turnout.

I Am Legend had a pretty good concept, even though it seemed really absurd at some parts. It was pretty freaky when the zombie things popped up, screaming their ugly heads off. I totally don’t have a stomach for horror movies and the likes. I have too good an imagination for them, and I scare myself really badly as it is.

Me: Argh! Anna’s going to become a zombie! I think her son’s also a zombie! It’ll be one big zombie and one small zombie! Argh!!!!! *cowers in seat* Why can’t we watch Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium or Alvin and the Chipmunks instead!

I didn’t get some parts, but I’m not going to spoil the movie for you.

After the movie, I started acting like a zombie. I suffer from the disease Must Act Out Recently-Watched Movies, which occurs mostly in little kids, and teens that think they are.

Me: GRARGH! I AM A DARK-SEEKER!

Koon had a shirt that said Chick Magnet.

Me: GRARGH! I AM A ZOMBIE CHICK MAGNET. GRARGH, WANNA MAKE OUT??? GRARGH.

We did go to Dhoby Ghaut to play pool afterwards, because the system was working again, thank God. It was the second time I’d played pool at Le Meridian (the first with church friends), and the second time in my life as well. I think I’m pretty good for a newbie! Which is pretty refreshing, seeing as it’s hard enough already to find anything I don’t suck at.

Went home at 11+ pm – third day in a row to do so.