Archive for November, 2007

hopefully, your mental deformity lessens next year

OMG. Greg’s right, and reading your blog archives is just about the last thing you should do when you’re trying to feel better about yourself.

I mean, I was so un-cynical, it wasn’t even funny. I actually tried to care about stuff, and rant about them!

How very impractical of me.

Also, I used to come up with more weak attempts at humour than, um, usual! Not much fart humour, but almost as bad. I shan’t even copy-and-paste snippets up here.

Still, glad to know that I’m so much more normal these days.

You know, my perception of normal.

Oh, speaking of normality and lack thereof, I decided to have my cereal this morning – with Milo instead of milk! I mean, who ever said cereal can ONLY be accompanied with milk? I thought smugly as I poured the Milo into my bowl with calm, aplomb and general dementedness. And it wasn’t all that bad.

Change is good! I figure I should try Digestive biscuits in my cereal next. Or maybe even pierce my bread and give it purple eyeliner.

power search!

In a rare fit of egotism (did I say ‘rare’? I meant not unless ‘rare’ has the same meaning as ’second nature’), I decided to check my Statcounter! I had previously been intrigued by the Came From feature, but Keyword Analysis is way more fun.

Now you know what people are searching for!

Num Perc. Search Term
drill down 5 18.52% rjc cca interact club
drill down 2 7.41% book by sean mooty
drill down 1 3.70% girl 294 psle
drill down 1 3.70% psle resultsfor 2007
drill down 1 3.70% psle results 2007 blogger
drill down 1 3.70% msn sexy emote picks
drill down 1 3.70% highest psle score in 5 years
drill down 1 3.70% pun sitcom
drill down 1 3.70% psle score
drill down 1 3.70% raffles-academies
drill down 1 3.70% psle results st hilda
drill down 1 3.70% psle results 2007 singapore
drill down 1 3.70% wiring heartlands cap
drill down 1 3.70% speedo blogspot
drill down 1 3.70% lisa mooty li
drill down 1 3.70% psle i got 294
drill down 1 3.70% wiring heartlands
drill down 1 3.70% rubik’s cube acsi singapore
drill down 1 3.70% shawn mooty books
drill down 1 3.70% hullett raffles
drill down 1 3.70% rgs elitist
drill down 1 3.70% psle 2007 results blogspot
27 100.00%

Most of the search results had to do with PSLE 2007, so I guess this is what happens when you pick up fast on current trends. A few searches on CAP, sitcoms, Raffles.

And, um, dig my “msn sexy emote pics”!

(seriously, when did I ever make any references to that? That is wayyyy uncool, you guys.)

Also, in a shocking upset,

Num Perc. Country Name
drill down 401 94.13% Singapore Singapore
drill down 12 2.82% United States United States
drill down 9 2.11% Unknown -
drill down 2 0.47% United Kingdom United Kingdom
drill down 1 0.23% Australia Australia
drill down 1 0.23% Finland Finland

Singaporeans are the most frequent visitors to my blog! Well, I’d be damned! I mean, I had always relied on my Finnish fanbase to get this far.

Visit Length
drill down 126 Less than 5 secs
drill down 1 From 5 secs to 30 secs
drill down 12 From 30 secs to 5 mins
drill down 10 From 5 mins to 20 mins
drill down 2 From 20 mins to an hour
drill down 50 Longer than an hour

Screw you guys. This is taking speed-reading WAY TOO FAR.

I am pretty, oh so pretty

It shouldn’t be too hard to do a High School Musical parody/fanfic.

When I say something like that, it most probably means I’ve already done one.

Read, and weep.


High School Musical 10 – The Novelisation
In Which Everyone Becomes Antagonists Except Troy And Gabriella

Chapter One
Chad Gets Majorly Pissed, Which Sets The Tone For The Rest Of The Fanfic – Uh, Movie

“Go, Troy! Lead us to victory!” yelled Chad as they blitzed down the court. It was the all-important CHAMPIONSHIP GAME (what’s new?), and there were seven seconds left on the clock, which usually meant that the protagonist’s team was one point behind, which they were.

“Huh? Why me?” replied Troy Bolton.

“Well, I can’t do it. I’m not good looking, and I’m black.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Chad grabbed the ball and did some fancy dribbling, teasing his marker. He did a feint and wriggled under the legs of his marker, before passing to Troy.

“HOORAY! GO ZAC – uh, I mean, GO TROY!” yelled a few girls on the sidelines, as if on cue, as Troy received the pass. He was wide open! The chance was his.

He shot.

(Somewhere a few storeys up, two men in black sat in a small dingy control room, operating a panel of joysticks and buttons while monitoring the game. The man on the left, who was monitoring the game on a dusty LCD, yelled, “Oh, damnit! He shot! Move the hoop five metres to the left! FIVE METRES LEFT!” and the man on the right operated a joystick deftly, complying.)

And he scored.

“HOORAY! GO TROY!” yelled said girls, as Troy put a hand through his head, sending a shower of dandruff down in a three-metre radius – but nobody cared, as the referee blew for time. The Wildcats had won the championship – again! “TROY HAS WON THE GAME FOR US! WHOO!”

On the bench, Chad was willing himself to be happy – but all he felt was resentment, anger, rage, and… uh, resentment. It was HIS Crouching Jamaican, Wriggling Snake move that had set up Troy’s simple jump shot, but nobody had given a hoot about him. Everybody praised Troy, the captain, the star player, the coach’s son, but nobody cared about him. Chad walked away from the bench – and no one yelled after him, complimenting him or anything. It was as if he was just some random extra.

“Hey! Random Extra!” yelled some film crew from the bench. “Come back here and touch-up your face! We’re going on air to sing the first song! You’re part of the four-men team who’ll lift up Troy in triumph and goodwill at the end of the song.”

“Oh… goddamnit! I’m not singing this song!” And that was it – Chad was officially Pissed. “You guys all just think I’m a random extra, right? You don’t need me to do the dance routine, or slam dunks! All you need is Troy Bolton and his lovely blonde ASS!”

The Wildcats stared at him in bewilderment. “Wait a minute… Troy has ass HAIR??” hollered a random nameless extra. Chad sighed. This team was useless. “Adios, star player,” he spat at Troy, before striding off.

“Hold on!” Troy yelled after him. Here it was, thought Chad triumphantly, the APOLOGY that would warm his heart and make him walk back to join the team.

“Chad, we’re a team, and you’re the only guy around here who knows the breakdance-and-slam-dunk routine! Without you, how can we sing “Everyone Has An Equal Part To Play (ft. Troy Bolton and etcetera)”?”

At the sound of the name of the song, Chad seethed, staring daggers at Troy before walking off. “Spare me, Zac Efron. Your fangirls are waiting.” he muttered over his shoulder.

“Huh? Who’s Zac Efron?” Troy wondered aloud.

In the next episode, Chad will join forces with a highly mysterious blonde whose name starts with “S”!

And ends with “harpay”. WHO WILL IT BE? Stay tuned.

as hard to balance as an elephant on its head, and as absurdly stupid

Chapter 6 of Esplanade Chee is out! And depending on how recently you have checked on my horrendous magnum opus (magnum opus pertaining to the horrendous) of a fanfic, there are new chapters!!!!!!

I was reading TIoBE online when I decided to build a house of cards. A sturdy 3D one. The house soon took up more space and energy than expected, and it was suddenly: Add To House Of Cards 80%, Read Oscar Wilde’s Witty Play 20%. And before I knew it, I’d used up the whole deck.

See, it even has a front porch, a chimney thingy, and a quasi-roof, some of which accidental.

I decided to test its strength with a decorative yet authentic giant pebble, and other deceptively large, but actually light objects.

How awfully romantic to have Steinbeck’s novella on the top of the burning heap.

My recent read joins the rooftop collection.

And a precariously remote control from the stereo which looks as though it would be the last thing the house could hold.

It was.

I decided to remove the remote control and try to balance my cup on the house, but that was too great a feat.

With weighted step, I cleared up the mess and christened the house The House of Usher.

very important, I’d say

I went for training today! That makes two trainings in a row I’ve attended!

That is very freaking good, and I’ll not have anyone disagree.

I’ve reached the stage in my CCA where I’ve resigned to having to live in the same world as my CCA mates. I mean, they’re stupid and arrogant and all, but they have their fine points as well!

I just don’t know what they are.

Oh, but Jiao Lian, our coach from China (many sports CCAs seem to have coaches from China), is a really cool guy.

Jiao Lian: Everyone come here!
*Some people are still in the pool, taking their time*
Jiao Lian: Fuck you!

And the teachers in-charge wonder why waterpolo guys are so vulgar.

After training, I decided to go Kinokuniya to try searching for my Lit texts. Then I found a few editions of The Importance of Being Earnest and decided that I would get none of those, since I didn’t know which edition was on the booklist. Then I went to Borders and did the same.

Then I decided to read the online text of TIoBE instead – before I got sidetracked by YouTube. What’s new?

Specifically, videos by Guinness World Records. These people are crazy. I should set some record like “Longest Amount Of Time For Someone To Throw A Handphone At Least Two Metres Away Before Walking To The Same Handphone And Pretending To Beatbox While Watching Barney On A Television Three Metres Away”.

I think I’d almost last a minute.

XV! :O

Yeah! I’m freaking fifteen!

That means I get to indulge in sex, drugs, porno movies, screwing up election ballot slips, and EVERYTHING I LIKE!!!!111oneone

Oh wait. That’s twenty-one.

Still, being fifteen has instilled in me the sense of responsibility, thrift, maturity and everything adultish! I feel weights thrust upon my shoulders, and burdens that I have to uphold daily! The pressures of being fifteen… something that none of you noob fourteen-year-olds will EVER understand!

I mean, managing your birthday presents is a really arduous task.

on the brink of something special

Today has been relatively productive!

I went for training for the first time since Indonesia, and I wrote a nice long chapter for Esplanade Chee. Shall publish it on mootcanwrite tomorrow, as part of some hitherto unplanned celebration on my blog!

Who knows. If you’re lucky, maybe a blown up clipart of fireworks at the top of the page.

I should really stop putting off reading hong lou meng, and get that one bit of holiday homework finished once and for all. But you know how it is with Chinese.

It’s like, oh, I’d start the book after I surf the Net a little, then it becomes, um, I’ll do that tomorrow after training. Then slowly, you tell yourself that there’s no way you’re going to read that at the moment, and you will find some time to do just that next week. Then New Year comes, and you settle for anything, ANYTHING that will enable you to get a brief summary of the book.

But you fail your book test after all, and are assigned lines.

I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.
I Will Not Resort To Wikipedia Next Time I Have A Chinese Book Test.

But let’s think of happy thoughts! Tomorrow’s coming!

my IQ is higher than my PSLE score!

The PSLE results are out!

I have taken a disinterested interest (whatever that means) in PSLE results for three years, interested in the gender, ethnicity, and school of the top students, hoping to find socio-economic trends in the newer generation of Singapore.

Apparently, some St Hilda’s Malay female student got 294 for her PSLE, highest in seventeen years, blah blah.

Girl In Question, Being Interviewed, in Loud Pompous Voice: I have started reading since the age of two, and [...]

Whatever, man.

A neighborhood school student got 287, apparently, and sits in third place. The highest in OUR year was 285. At the rate this is going, we’ll be having a lowest score of like 290 in twenty years’ time.

Nanyang will seethe on. When was the last time we got a top scorer?

But the purpose of this post was really to discuss my new plans for a sitcom.

You see, it isn’t that hard to create a sitcom.

The keys to an interesting sitcom are items that are always popular, rarely politically correct. I shall thus plan out my latest sitcom while pretending I know what I’m talking about.

1. The gay guy
Face it. Everyone likes a gay guy. In fact, they’re even more popular than gay girls. The gay protagonist in this case is Martin.

2. A nice pun in the title to go along with said gay guy
Puns are crucial in sitcom titles, because people rarely remember what the hell your sitcom’s all about, but if they can have something in the title to remark on, they can pretend they still remember. The title of my sitcom is Straight Dealings, and everyone likes making puns on ’straight’ when they talk about gays, because it’s the simplest pun to make and not too hard to understand.

3. Assortment of colleagues with assorted sexualities
Nothing’s funny anymore, but pro-gays and homophobes alike enjoy laughs at the expense of people with varied sexualities. In the office, there’ll be this straight girl called Rachel who tries to woo Martin, and this bi-curious guy called Alfonsus who can’t decide whether to woo Rachel or Martin. Throw in a couple of janitors, pointy-haired bosses and fart jokes, and we get a sitcom.

4. The politician
Next to sex is politics. Borat had both, and that’s why it was popular. We’ll get Martin an eccentric politician cousin named Mr Fendrick. He’ll be a nice tool for subtly voicing any controversial political statements we may want to make. Also, in Season 7 he rallies for gay rights, which will be a popular topic and involve Martin greatly.

5. The eccentric aunt
Every sitcom lead has funny relatives of some sort who bother them and make funny remarks. Martin, in this sitcom, has a hundred-year-old aunt named Aunt Boris who has hearing problems.

Martin: Aunt Boris, would you like some tea?
Aunt Boris: What? You’d like to drink my pee?
[laughtrack]

6. The laughtrack
‘Nuff said. Use sparingly.

In fact, the laughtrack’s the only thing that saves the sitcom. It’s a weird mob mentality thing: oh my God, the TV’s laughing, so I MUST find it funny! Hee hee hee!

Oh, and you know what do PSLE results and sitcoms have in common?

They either want to make you laugh out loud, or die a little inside.

sorority dynamics

This episode of South Park made me chuckle. The girls in class draw up a list ranking the boys in order of cutest to ugliest, and the bottom of the list becomes depressed and thinks he’s ugly! South Park may be crass and vulgar, but they are probably really close to the truth of how girls handle stuff.

truth will out!

PSLE results will be released on Thursday! How thrilling, what with controversial script-editing teachers and all. Why would any teacher want to do that?

Talking about thrilling, I’ve been re-cultivating my thriller-reading habit. Jeffrey Archer and the likes. I may not learn much from it, but heck. I’m entertained, and almost intrigued by the cookie-cutter plots.

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